This article is dedicated to a couple of guys over at the Good Looking Loser forums, particularly one of them.
These two guys are some of the most determined, hardworking, and driven guys I know. They are both very hard on themselves, and one of them is borderlining mental burnout.
If you’re reading this guys, I just want you to know that I respect your work! The key to longevity are a couple of things:
- Progressive, consistent, and incremental improvements, no matter how small
- Not feeling overwhelmed, belittled, rushed, or emotional in any way
The first the I want to talk about is Expectations vs. Reality.
Having been in the game for almost 9 years, I’ve seen many guys come and go. The ones who succeed the most at this game are the ones who follow the rules of longevity.
A key mistake many newcomers make is not correctly aligning their expectations to what’s actually attainable. They put themselves under HUGE pressure, and the pressure further compounds when they have other people around them succeeding, which is then further compounded by more experienced guys telling them to do a whole bunch of things (without fully appreciating their level of abilities, confidence, experience, and self-belief).
Combine the above with the immense amount of pressure they put on themselves, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster – most commonly mental breakdown, and a general feeling of disgust when thinking about talking to women. The result of mental breakdown range from a temporary hiatus to disappearing into the mountains forever…
Celebrate your wins, no matter how small!
Newer guys tend to discredit their success. They tend to compare themselves with people who are far more experienced than them, and feel inadequate. It’s actually sad, because they are making GREAT progress, but fail to reward themselves.
The human body and mind perform best via encouragement and positivity. When it’s relaxed, your cortisol levels are low, and your brain waves are calm (Alpha and Theta waves). You are able to think clearly, and absorb information. You’re also able to improvise on the fly.
Most new guys tackle the area of improvement with women via beating themselves up, hating themselves, talking to themselves negatively, and are very harsh towards themselves.
A practical example is when a new guy does an AA program, is 10 days in, and wonders why he is still so ‘useless with women’, without realizing that he’s gone from not talking to a single female, to talking to about 10 per week! That’s huge progress if you ask me, and definitely deserves a round of drinks!
Another practical example is the guy who is in the night club, grabbing women in close, dancing with them, pulling their hair, grinding with them, but perhaps not taking them home. He then proceeds to beat himself up for not taking them home, or perhaps he makes out with them and tries to take her out of the club, but for whatever reason fails, then proceeds to beat himself up, thinking there is something wrong with himself.
Again, he has already succeeded HUGELY compared with his previous self, who wouldn’t even dream of going up to a girl on the dance floor, grabbing her by the hip, pulling her close, and being fully in control of the situation.
Another practical example is a guy doing day game, meets a girl, takes her by the hand, kisses her, but fails to take her home, then gets depressed and beats himself up for not being able to do so, without realizing that it takes a LOT of skill and a LOT of luck to take her home, only 1 hour after meeting her, and having sex with her.
All of the above examples are examples of people who are slowly understanding how the game works, are making steady improvements, but are ignoring their successes and being VERY hard on themselves. The result is feelings of anxiety, discouragement, disheartenment, repulsed at the idea of talking to more women, and etc…
For them, going out and meeting beautiful women has become a chore, and the bane of their existence. They are constantly surrounded by negativity and are always in a bad mood, which in turn affects their whole life. The women they talk to can feel this negativity, and thus their chances of taking her home are reduced – the cycle then replicates itself. Viciously. Never ending.
Soon they disappear from talking to women all together, much like crash dieters who put back on weight, and then some.
How to celebrate your wins.
- Don’t compare yourself to those above you – compare your current self to your previous self
- Understand that the old you would never have done what you’ve been doing recently, and that’s a huge success in itself
- Treat yourself to a nice meal when you feel like you’ve had a long day. The human psyche always responds to gestures of warmness MUCH BETTER than grueling demands (with very little praise)
- Write down your progress in a diary, and read it every week, then read the previous entries and see how far you’ve come
- Understand that if you put in consistent work, over a consistent period of time, you will succeed
- Understand that your perception of time slows time when you haven’t yet reached your goals, and that there is no sense of urgency to get there tomorrow
- Enjoy the process, and learn to laugh at all those moments which don’t go right e.g. a girl you talked to tells you that you’ve already talked to her. Rather than get a cold sweat on your back, laugh it off and go “well, that’s one of the perils of talking to 15 girls per day! You don’t remember who’s who!”
- Reframe your negative thoughts/self-talk e.g. “What a shit night, went out for 4 hours, took no girl home, fuck this bullshit” to “well tonight was a bit sad, but I’m sure happy I fought till the very end! If I keep this up, I’m going to get laid in no time!” or “if a night this shit didn’t even bother me, imagine how hard I’ll kill it on a good night!”
- Learn to call it a day/night and understand that tomorrow is another day to keep working, keep trying, keep learning – you don’t need to do it all in one sitting!
- It’s almost as much of a mental battle with yourself, as it is with the girl you’re trying to sleep with
Setting a realistic definition of success.
The second part of succeeding with women (and anything else in life) is feeling like you have the ability to succeed, but still be challenged. Your goals should be just a little out of your reach, so that you push for them, but not SO FAR out of your reach that you feel powerless.
For example, saying to yourself that “I’m going to go out to the club this week, and I expect to fuck one girl by the end of it”, is a recipe for disaster, unless you’re VERY experienced. This kind of experience takes YEARS to build up, and for any guy who has slept with less than 30 girls, this goal doomed to fail.
The above goal is even hard for some of the more experienced guys, because everybody has bad RNG time to time.
A much more realistic goal would be:
“I’m going to the club tonight, and I’m going to do my best to not pussy out when I see a hot girl. Even if I talk to her, and the interaction looks like a trainwreck, I’ll be happy with myself because I didn’t pussy out.”
“I’m going to talk to girls for 1 hour every day, without fail, for the next 7 days. I’m not expecting to do some crazy same day pulls, and I’ll be happy with 1 live number per day.”
“I’m going to aim for 3 dates per week. I may not necessarily take the girl home at the end of the date, but my aim is to stay calm, hold my frame, be completely outcome independent, and touch her when I feel like it, because I want to train my killer instinct.”
By setting a realistic definition of success, you give yourself just enough eustress to improve, without putting yourself in a state of distress/disharmony – much like lifting just a bit above your current PB, and taking days off gym so your body can recover.
Your mind also needs to recover, and it needs to feel good doing what you set it to do.
Alright guys, that’s all for now.
Just remember, slow and steady, the turtle wins the race.
If you improve 1% every week, you’ve improved well … over … well my maths is fucking shit, but 1% + 1% on top of the 1% last week, + 1% on top of those two, multiplied by 5 years, is a lot!
Before you know it, you’ll be the heavy hitter giving everyone tips. The catch is, you’ve gotta last long enough to become him, without burning out!